Lenten Reflection: Fasting

For lent, I want to try to write more in my blog. Not only do I want to write more about my experience here, but also provide a reflection of what my experiences have meant to me. By writing more, I hope to be able to better process and think about my limited time here as well as help you to get a glimpse into my life here and the lives of the people that I work with. Some of the stories that I share may be that of suffering. There is a lot of suffering. However, the purpose of these posts are not to make you feel pity for them or for you to be grateful for what you have because of what they lack. My goal is to challenge you through my experiences here in South Sudan. 

During Ash Wednesday, I saw many posts on Facebook linking to articles about Lent. Some of these articles were a reminder of the practices of Lent which had the rules for fasting. As I was reminded about the rules for fasting (eating one big meal and two smaller meals), I laughed to myself. This is more than I eat on a daily basis here! It is not that the community is not providing us with enough food, but that is just the way things are here. Despite my “less-than-fasting” diet, I still eat much more than the people here. Most people here eat only one meal per day. Even at school, a lot of my students cannot afford the 5 SSP ($1) lunch that the canteen provides. Not only do my students go through the entire day without eating, but they also have to sit in a classroom with 50-70 of their other classmates while it is over 100 degrees outside with no fans or air conditioning. These might sound like impossible conditions, but when there is no other option, it is not so bad.

As I think about it more, I realize that if children were subject to these kinds of conditions in the United States, parents would be outraged, and the school would probably be shut down. I have seen on the news about students or parents outraged by the food the cafeteria gives at lunch, or schools getting shut down when it is hot and the air conditioning breaks down at school. Or I have heard about parents getting angry when their child’s lunch was delayed by 2 hours while my children do not eat anything until they leave school because they cannot afford it. It makes me think, “How could people who were given so much and have so much always be unsatisfied while those that have nothing are grateful?” 

We often think that some conditions are impossible to survive. Before I came here, I was positive that I needed air conditioning. I knew that I would suffer here with the heat while having nowhere cold to escape to. I thought that I needed a certain amount of food to be alert and to be “okay.” These norms from the United States that were ingrained into me were all challenged when I came here. Things that I thought were necessary do not end up being necessary at all. Not only can I function in a classroom with no fans or air conditioning in 100+ degree weather, but I hardly even notice it anymore. Some days, I skip lunch and only eat half of a dinner because I know that is what my students go through. Although I might not be at the level as my students. I am challenging myself to experience how my students live. 

Although people here hardly eat, they are still extremely grateful for what they have. They are also very thoughtful towards others. Maybe it is because they know what it is like to be hungry,but part of their culture is to welcome in people who are not eating to share in the food. Although it might be my student’s only time to eat lunch that week, they would insist that I eat with them and share in their plate of food. Whenever I pass through the canteen to see how my students are doing, I am greeted with a chorus of all the different groups welcoming me to eat with them. Now, this is not just a polite greeting that they were trained to say, but they really insist that I eat with them. They try to pull up a seat and hand me a spoon so that I can partake in the meal with them. It is part of the their culture to always cook a lot of food when it is available, never eat alone, and to always leave a little left over. This is not so they can save the food until later, This is just in case there is another person that happens to walk by who the family is then able to greet and welcome into their meal. Whenever I go on runs around the village, People will always welcome me into their table to eat with them. Even though they do not eat much, eating is a big part of their culture. It is where they can show hospitality to another person by welcoming to join in. It is amazing how people who have nothing are more easily able to give away what they have. It would be so easy to just be selfish and eat more when you have more food. However, they know what it is like to be hungry, and they do not want others to feel that way. When they have, they are proud to be able to give it away and share with others.

A Dream Come True

Over ten years ago, before I committed to running track and field, I was a pretty good soccer player. It was my absolute favorite sport. It still is my favorite sport. I can still remember the thrill of putting on the AYSO uniform on Saturday mornings and going to the field. I felt like a professional soccer player. It is one of the best feelings that I can remember from my childhood. I completely loved soccer. 

I don’t remember when exactly, but I have this vague memory of seeing a picture or pamphlet at church or school or somewhere. You know how schools or churches always have those service fairs or presentations on some organization that helps the needy. It was one of those I think. All I can remember is that there was a picture of little children in Africa playing soccer. I thought to myself, “That is so cool! I want to do that!” Then later on through out my life I kept seeing pictures like that, of African children playing soccer, or of volunteers or missionaries playing soccer with African children. I wanted a picture like that. I wanted me to be the missioner in that picture. Even before I thought about doing service or helping the poor or anything like that, all I wanted was to have a picture of me playing soccer with African children. Even as I stopped playing soccer for many many years (something that I regret now) I still had that dream in the back of my mind. 

While I was trying to discern what service program to join after graduation, one of my criteria was having the chance to play soccer with the local people. That was one of my top priorities. If the program did not have that then it was a deal breaker for me. When I applied for the International Summer Service Learning Program at Notre Dame, one of the main reasons that I really wanted to go to Uganda was because there was a picture in the binder for Uganda with a past volunteer teaching PE and running around with a ball with the children. 

This is what has made South Sudan so perfect for me. When I was looking at site placements for the SLMs, Gumbo, South Sudan was the only site that had “sports ministry” under its description. Not only was it in Africa, but it also had “sports ministry” as a job description. It was absolutely perfect for me and immediately made it a priority to go there. I pushed pretty hard to go to South Sudan. 

Now that I am here it has been a dream come true. I am now the director of the youth center and get to play sports with friends and play with little kids as a part of my job. Every other day the Don Bosco FC team has practice on the football field right outside my house and they have been so welcoming and encouraging of me to play. Even though I am not nearly as good as I was when I was 10, and no where near as good or as fit as the people here, playing with them is a dream come true. 

As I have gotten better (or maybe they just feel bad for me) the team has welcomed me to play actual games with them. Last month, I was getting the ball ready for the upcoming match that afternoon. When I gave the balls to the team, they asked me why I didn’t have my football shoes on. It kind of caught me by surprise and I spit out some excuse for not playing. They kept encouraging me to play and get my shoes and so I finally did. Putting on the Don Bosco FC uniform was a dream come true for me. Not only did it bring me back to the days when I was a kid putting on the soccer uniform, but it also was a fulfillment of a life long dream (I realize that my life has not been that long, but over 10 years is pretty long for me). It was not just playing a friendly game of football, which I loved already, but I was actually getting to put on the uniform and represent the Don Bosco team and play in an actual game. It was a really special moment for me. I didn’t play very well… I probably shouldn’t have been put in the starting line up or even been playing at all, but I have come to appreciate the people here making a dream of mine come true. Since then, I have had more confidence to play and have been playing on the team whenever I get the chance as the only white guy on the field. And of course, I made my friend take some pictures. 

It is funny how a simple dream like wanting a picture of playing soccer with children in Africa has really taken off to change my life. If it was not for that dream, who knows if I would be in South Sudan right now. Of course I am here for more reasons than just getting a picture of myself playing soccer, but if it were not for that dream, I may have never considered spending over a year in Africa. Even the smallest dreams can lead you to wonderful unexpected places. 

Update On My Life:

As the new school year begins, I have a couple of new responsibilities at the secondary school where I work. Along with all of the administrative work that I do for the school, I am now the disciplinarian of the school (I laughed when the principal said he wanted me to fill this role, but apparently he was serious). I am also picking up more classes teaching Religion (Senior 1, 2, 3), Math (Senior 3,4) and Writing (Senior 3,4) for a total of 7 classes. It is sure to be an extremely busy year, but I am very excited to have all this work to do! I will try to do a better job keeping you updated from now on. 

A Christmas Reflection

Christmas and Advent are usually joyous and festive occasions for which people cannot wait because of all the presents and traditions that come with this time of year. However, here in South Sudan, it has been very different. First of all, there has been absolutely zero commercialization of Christmas. I have yet to see an ad or anything telling me to buy this or that, an advertisement showing something on sale, nor the media reminding me that I need to get something for my friends and family. Come to think of it, it doesn’t even feel like Christmas at all. In what is usually a festive and joyful time in my life, I have sensed a different kind of environment here. It is one of fear. On December 15, 2013 fighting broke out in Juba where Machar, the ex-vice president tried to stage a coup and take over the government. This started a month or more of fighting when the volunteers from last year had to go to Kenya for some time. This year, there have been rumors that the rebels may use this as a rallying point. Many here were, and still are, scared that fighting will break out once more. Luckily, it seems as if the government is prepared for an attack this time and has beefed up its defenses, which means that there has not been any fighting as of yet. However, with this anniversary coming in Advent, so close to Christmas, and especially Gaudete Sunday, the season has taken a more somber and cautious tone. One can wonder, how is it even possible to rejoice (gaudete) when such fighting threatens to break out at any point? Back at home, it never really seemed that hard to rejoice during Advent and Christmas. It meant that there was much less time until I got to open all the presents and eat cookies, etc. Although finals week came during Advent and I would have been stressed, I knew that it would be over soon and I would be at home to celebrate Christmas at home with no homework or studying to do. However, here it is a little bit harder to rejoice. Many here can easily think back to last year and remember exactly where they were on December 15th when the fighting started. They can recall the fear and the nervousness they experienced. Last year, they could not even decorate the church for Christmas because the refugees had fled the killings in their villages and came to seek shelter here. They were sleeping in the Church in fear for their lives. Although fighting has not broken out this year, you could still sense tension in the people’s faces during this time. Christmas has taken a back seat as they worry about surviving. So how can we rejoice? The word “gaudete” is in the imperative form of the verb “to rejoice.” This means that we are being commanded to feel joy. Even through all the pain and suffering, we are still told to be joyful. Why? How? Henri Nouwen describes joy as “the experience of knowing that you are unconditionally loved and that nothing -- sickness, failure, emotional distress, oppression, war, or even death -- can take that love away." It is because we know that Christ is much greater than all this suffering and will love us regardless. It is because we know the extent of Christ’s love where He sacrificed everything to become human, to become one of His own creation to freely offer his life for the mistakes and sins that they committed. It is the time when our God lowered himself to nothing to give us everything. That is why despite the pain and suffering that people may be experiencing, we are still called to rejoice. It is part of the reason why refugees come to this compound and ask to sleep in the church. They feel protected in the Church; they feel safe. They feel joy. This is why despite this time of tension and bad memories, people will still flock to the church on Christmas to celebrate the coming of the one who loves us unconditionally.

The Church decorated for Christmas

Setting up for Midnight mass

Mamas waiting for Christmas Mass

14 children were baptized that night.

The manger for baby Jesus that I helped to decorate

Someone's attempt at taking a picture of me

The nativity scene that I helped to build

Love Without Reservation

Now, I have been here in South Sudan for just about 3 months now and to be honest it has been a real challenge. It is not necessarily the hardest thing I've ever done, but it is hard in ways that I am not used to nor expected. I have been challenged mentally and physically many times before, but this is really the first time where I have really been challenged emotionally. I have had many great days where I think about staying here longer, but it have had many frustrating and hard days where I count down the days until I get to leave. Lately, as we are in the last week of school and in final exams (the school year here starts in February and ends in December) I have been frustrated and tired of the kids that I teach. I have been here for only 3 months and I am already tired of these kids! What is wrong with me? 

There have been many days where I just feel like a failure. There have been many days when I feel like peace will never be achieved here and that nothing that I do will even begin to change that. The kids don't listen to me, the community doesn't listen to me, and most of the time the kids don't even respect me. The other day I had a 10 minute argument with one of my students (who is older than I am) because he was absolutely convinced that 0 - 4 = 0. My math class averaged a 12 out of 30 on their final exam after I literally gave them questions straight from the review I did with them where I gave them the answers and told them 5 times how these questions were going to be on the exam. The frustrations and the failures go on and on and I could speak for days on the problems that face South Sudan, the least of which are resources. This kind of thinking has really taken over my mind for the past couple of weeks. I come to my room after working for 13 hours everyday and feel exhausted and angry and questioning why I am even here. I feel like going to oratory where all I have to do is play with kids is becoming much more of a chore rather than something that I am excited for. I am not proud of this, but the thought of, “These people do not deserve my love, my time or my effort. They just take advantage of it and abuse it” has come up multiple times.

Then I saw my friend, Jason Kippenbrock's status with a Thomas Merton quote saying, "Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody’s business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.” That was something that I really needed to hear. "Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worth." During SLM orientation we were constantly reminded to think of our purpose. They said that it was so important to realize why we are on mission because there will be very challenging times on mission where we need to remember why we are doing what we are doing. My purpose was to be present with the people and to love them and be God's love to them and to give until I could not give anymore. As you could probably tell, this has been a lot harder for me to do than I initially expected. I have thought to myself, "Are these people worth the effort I put in? Are they worthy of my love?" We can then ask, "Is anyone worthy of love, especially God's love?" You could argue for or against this, but it doesn’t matter because regardless of whether or not we are worthy of love, God still loves us. Even when we beat him to a pulp, disrespect him out the wahzoo, and make him suffer one of the most gruesome deaths, he still does not fail to love us and give us all that he had. When Christ was on that cross, as the soldiers cast lots for his clothes, He did not say, “These are terrible people. They all suck and can go to hell.” Instead, He said, “Forgive them Father, for they do not know what they are doing.” Even as His own creation put Him to death, He still loved. We, of course, are not Christ, but we are still called to love like him. This means that we are called to love without limits. We cannot ask ourselves whether or not someone is worthy of love, we just have to love. I need to love these people without judgment. I need to give every ounce that I have to these people whether or not I think they are worthy of it. I need to remember that my job here is to love and to give fully of myself to everyone, and not just to the people who I like or who I can stand to be with, even if it means getting abused and disrespected. It is not my responsibility to judge whether or not people are using my love or presence correctly. God's love led to his suffering on the cross, but he never ceases to love us. Through sin and death and betrayal, God still gave us everything he had and more. God never said that we must love, but only if the people love us back. He never told us to love, only if they don’t take advantage of that love. He never told us to give, but only if that person uses it for good, and not drugs or alcohol. God calls us to love. God calls us to give. Period. End of story. There are no pre-requisites to this love. It does not matter what the receiver of our love does with it. That is not our responsibility.  His call for us is much simpler. God calls us simply to love.

Cultural Day

Recently, the Don Bosco Senior Secondary School, the school that I teach at, held its annual cultural day. Each class was assigned a different tribal dance to perform. Although the dances are very simple (even I could do them), we took around 3 weeks to prepare and practice. During that time, I saw how proud they are of their culture and how much they love to dance. However, they are not exclusive about their culture. Because each class was assigned a dance, students from different tribes got to learn the dance of a tribe that may not be their own. The students did not seem to have any reluctance or hesitation to do an unfamiliar dance. Not only did they welcome people who were not in their particular tribe, but everyday they pushed me to try the dances and to be a part of it with them. It is in moments like that that I really felt a sense of belonging and inclusion. These dances are not meant to be just a performance done by a few, but for everyone to join in and be included. 

Then during the Cultural Day, everyone got dressed up and brought props to make the dances as authentic as possible. I just saw how proud they are and how passionate they are about this event and their dance / culture. I could just imagine this happening at my high school and most of the students complaining through it all, not wanting to dance. I remember in 8th grade PE we used to hate it when our teacher made us do line dancing. These people absolutely loved it though and really really got into it! It was so great to see! Then during the performances, the dances were not reserved just for the dancers. People who wanted to hop in and participate would do just that. At one point, almost half of the audience had gotten up to partake in one of the dances. Foreigners, especially, are pushed to participate. The people here are so proud of their culture that they want to share it with everyone and make everyone feel included. Dance is meant to be something that people participate in, not something that people sit and watch. A couple of times, I had students coming out of their dance to come and pull me in to participate with them. Now, I don't really like dancing, especially in front of people, but being a part of those dances has made this place feel more like home. It is moments like these with the students and the children that I have come to realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. 

Here are some pictures of the event. Unfortunately I do not have any pictures of me dancing, since I was the one that was holding the camera and taking pictures: 

The entrance to Don Bosco Senior Secondary School

Fr. Jacob, the Director of the School and Rector of the SDB community

Senior 1 - Acholi Dance

                                        

Senior 2 - Dinka Dance

 

Senior 3 - Latuka Dance