Love Without Reservation

Now, I have been here in South Sudan for just about 3 months now and to be honest it has been a real challenge. It is not necessarily the hardest thing I've ever done, but it is hard in ways that I am not used to nor expected. I have been challenged mentally and physically many times before, but this is really the first time where I have really been challenged emotionally. I have had many great days where I think about staying here longer, but it have had many frustrating and hard days where I count down the days until I get to leave. Lately, as we are in the last week of school and in final exams (the school year here starts in February and ends in December) I have been frustrated and tired of the kids that I teach. I have been here for only 3 months and I am already tired of these kids! What is wrong with me? 

There have been many days where I just feel like a failure. There have been many days when I feel like peace will never be achieved here and that nothing that I do will even begin to change that. The kids don't listen to me, the community doesn't listen to me, and most of the time the kids don't even respect me. The other day I had a 10 minute argument with one of my students (who is older than I am) because he was absolutely convinced that 0 - 4 = 0. My math class averaged a 12 out of 30 on their final exam after I literally gave them questions straight from the review I did with them where I gave them the answers and told them 5 times how these questions were going to be on the exam. The frustrations and the failures go on and on and I could speak for days on the problems that face South Sudan, the least of which are resources. This kind of thinking has really taken over my mind for the past couple of weeks. I come to my room after working for 13 hours everyday and feel exhausted and angry and questioning why I am even here. I feel like going to oratory where all I have to do is play with kids is becoming much more of a chore rather than something that I am excited for. I am not proud of this, but the thought of, “These people do not deserve my love, my time or my effort. They just take advantage of it and abuse it” has come up multiple times.

Then I saw my friend, Jason Kippenbrock's status with a Thomas Merton quote saying, "Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody’s business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.” That was something that I really needed to hear. "Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worth." During SLM orientation we were constantly reminded to think of our purpose. They said that it was so important to realize why we are on mission because there will be very challenging times on mission where we need to remember why we are doing what we are doing. My purpose was to be present with the people and to love them and be God's love to them and to give until I could not give anymore. As you could probably tell, this has been a lot harder for me to do than I initially expected. I have thought to myself, "Are these people worth the effort I put in? Are they worthy of my love?" We can then ask, "Is anyone worthy of love, especially God's love?" You could argue for or against this, but it doesn’t matter because regardless of whether or not we are worthy of love, God still loves us. Even when we beat him to a pulp, disrespect him out the wahzoo, and make him suffer one of the most gruesome deaths, he still does not fail to love us and give us all that he had. When Christ was on that cross, as the soldiers cast lots for his clothes, He did not say, “These are terrible people. They all suck and can go to hell.” Instead, He said, “Forgive them Father, for they do not know what they are doing.” Even as His own creation put Him to death, He still loved. We, of course, are not Christ, but we are still called to love like him. This means that we are called to love without limits. We cannot ask ourselves whether or not someone is worthy of love, we just have to love. I need to love these people without judgment. I need to give every ounce that I have to these people whether or not I think they are worthy of it. I need to remember that my job here is to love and to give fully of myself to everyone, and not just to the people who I like or who I can stand to be with, even if it means getting abused and disrespected. It is not my responsibility to judge whether or not people are using my love or presence correctly. God's love led to his suffering on the cross, but he never ceases to love us. Through sin and death and betrayal, God still gave us everything he had and more. God never said that we must love, but only if the people love us back. He never told us to love, only if they don’t take advantage of that love. He never told us to give, but only if that person uses it for good, and not drugs or alcohol. God calls us to love. God calls us to give. Period. End of story. There are no pre-requisites to this love. It does not matter what the receiver of our love does with it. That is not our responsibility.  His call for us is much simpler. God calls us simply to love.