A Christmas Reflection

Christmas and Advent are usually joyous and festive occasions for which people cannot wait because of all the presents and traditions that come with this time of year. However, here in South Sudan, it has been very different. First of all, there has been absolutely zero commercialization of Christmas. I have yet to see an ad or anything telling me to buy this or that, an advertisement showing something on sale, nor the media reminding me that I need to get something for my friends and family. Come to think of it, it doesn’t even feel like Christmas at all. In what is usually a festive and joyful time in my life, I have sensed a different kind of environment here. It is one of fear. On December 15, 2013 fighting broke out in Juba where Machar, the ex-vice president tried to stage a coup and take over the government. This started a month or more of fighting when the volunteers from last year had to go to Kenya for some time. This year, there have been rumors that the rebels may use this as a rallying point. Many here were, and still are, scared that fighting will break out once more. Luckily, it seems as if the government is prepared for an attack this time and has beefed up its defenses, which means that there has not been any fighting as of yet. However, with this anniversary coming in Advent, so close to Christmas, and especially Gaudete Sunday, the season has taken a more somber and cautious tone. One can wonder, how is it even possible to rejoice (gaudete) when such fighting threatens to break out at any point? Back at home, it never really seemed that hard to rejoice during Advent and Christmas. It meant that there was much less time until I got to open all the presents and eat cookies, etc. Although finals week came during Advent and I would have been stressed, I knew that it would be over soon and I would be at home to celebrate Christmas at home with no homework or studying to do. However, here it is a little bit harder to rejoice. Many here can easily think back to last year and remember exactly where they were on December 15th when the fighting started. They can recall the fear and the nervousness they experienced. Last year, they could not even decorate the church for Christmas because the refugees had fled the killings in their villages and came to seek shelter here. They were sleeping in the Church in fear for their lives. Although fighting has not broken out this year, you could still sense tension in the people’s faces during this time. Christmas has taken a back seat as they worry about surviving. So how can we rejoice? The word “gaudete” is in the imperative form of the verb “to rejoice.” This means that we are being commanded to feel joy. Even through all the pain and suffering, we are still told to be joyful. Why? How? Henri Nouwen describes joy as “the experience of knowing that you are unconditionally loved and that nothing -- sickness, failure, emotional distress, oppression, war, or even death -- can take that love away." It is because we know that Christ is much greater than all this suffering and will love us regardless. It is because we know the extent of Christ’s love where He sacrificed everything to become human, to become one of His own creation to freely offer his life for the mistakes and sins that they committed. It is the time when our God lowered himself to nothing to give us everything. That is why despite the pain and suffering that people may be experiencing, we are still called to rejoice. It is part of the reason why refugees come to this compound and ask to sleep in the church. They feel protected in the Church; they feel safe. They feel joy. This is why despite this time of tension and bad memories, people will still flock to the church on Christmas to celebrate the coming of the one who loves us unconditionally.

The Church decorated for Christmas

Setting up for Midnight mass

Mamas waiting for Christmas Mass

14 children were baptized that night.

The manger for baby Jesus that I helped to decorate

Someone's attempt at taking a picture of me

The nativity scene that I helped to build

Love Without Reservation

Now, I have been here in South Sudan for just about 3 months now and to be honest it has been a real challenge. It is not necessarily the hardest thing I've ever done, but it is hard in ways that I am not used to nor expected. I have been challenged mentally and physically many times before, but this is really the first time where I have really been challenged emotionally. I have had many great days where I think about staying here longer, but it have had many frustrating and hard days where I count down the days until I get to leave. Lately, as we are in the last week of school and in final exams (the school year here starts in February and ends in December) I have been frustrated and tired of the kids that I teach. I have been here for only 3 months and I am already tired of these kids! What is wrong with me? 

There have been many days where I just feel like a failure. There have been many days when I feel like peace will never be achieved here and that nothing that I do will even begin to change that. The kids don't listen to me, the community doesn't listen to me, and most of the time the kids don't even respect me. The other day I had a 10 minute argument with one of my students (who is older than I am) because he was absolutely convinced that 0 - 4 = 0. My math class averaged a 12 out of 30 on their final exam after I literally gave them questions straight from the review I did with them where I gave them the answers and told them 5 times how these questions were going to be on the exam. The frustrations and the failures go on and on and I could speak for days on the problems that face South Sudan, the least of which are resources. This kind of thinking has really taken over my mind for the past couple of weeks. I come to my room after working for 13 hours everyday and feel exhausted and angry and questioning why I am even here. I feel like going to oratory where all I have to do is play with kids is becoming much more of a chore rather than something that I am excited for. I am not proud of this, but the thought of, “These people do not deserve my love, my time or my effort. They just take advantage of it and abuse it” has come up multiple times.

Then I saw my friend, Jason Kippenbrock's status with a Thomas Merton quote saying, "Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody’s business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.” That was something that I really needed to hear. "Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worth." During SLM orientation we were constantly reminded to think of our purpose. They said that it was so important to realize why we are on mission because there will be very challenging times on mission where we need to remember why we are doing what we are doing. My purpose was to be present with the people and to love them and be God's love to them and to give until I could not give anymore. As you could probably tell, this has been a lot harder for me to do than I initially expected. I have thought to myself, "Are these people worth the effort I put in? Are they worthy of my love?" We can then ask, "Is anyone worthy of love, especially God's love?" You could argue for or against this, but it doesn’t matter because regardless of whether or not we are worthy of love, God still loves us. Even when we beat him to a pulp, disrespect him out the wahzoo, and make him suffer one of the most gruesome deaths, he still does not fail to love us and give us all that he had. When Christ was on that cross, as the soldiers cast lots for his clothes, He did not say, “These are terrible people. They all suck and can go to hell.” Instead, He said, “Forgive them Father, for they do not know what they are doing.” Even as His own creation put Him to death, He still loved. We, of course, are not Christ, but we are still called to love like him. This means that we are called to love without limits. We cannot ask ourselves whether or not someone is worthy of love, we just have to love. I need to love these people without judgment. I need to give every ounce that I have to these people whether or not I think they are worthy of it. I need to remember that my job here is to love and to give fully of myself to everyone, and not just to the people who I like or who I can stand to be with, even if it means getting abused and disrespected. It is not my responsibility to judge whether or not people are using my love or presence correctly. God's love led to his suffering on the cross, but he never ceases to love us. Through sin and death and betrayal, God still gave us everything he had and more. God never said that we must love, but only if the people love us back. He never told us to love, only if they don’t take advantage of that love. He never told us to give, but only if that person uses it for good, and not drugs or alcohol. God calls us to love. God calls us to give. Period. End of story. There are no pre-requisites to this love. It does not matter what the receiver of our love does with it. That is not our responsibility.  His call for us is much simpler. God calls us simply to love.

Cultural Day

Recently, the Don Bosco Senior Secondary School, the school that I teach at, held its annual cultural day. Each class was assigned a different tribal dance to perform. Although the dances are very simple (even I could do them), we took around 3 weeks to prepare and practice. During that time, I saw how proud they are of their culture and how much they love to dance. However, they are not exclusive about their culture. Because each class was assigned a dance, students from different tribes got to learn the dance of a tribe that may not be their own. The students did not seem to have any reluctance or hesitation to do an unfamiliar dance. Not only did they welcome people who were not in their particular tribe, but everyday they pushed me to try the dances and to be a part of it with them. It is in moments like that that I really felt a sense of belonging and inclusion. These dances are not meant to be just a performance done by a few, but for everyone to join in and be included. 

Then during the Cultural Day, everyone got dressed up and brought props to make the dances as authentic as possible. I just saw how proud they are and how passionate they are about this event and their dance / culture. I could just imagine this happening at my high school and most of the students complaining through it all, not wanting to dance. I remember in 8th grade PE we used to hate it when our teacher made us do line dancing. These people absolutely loved it though and really really got into it! It was so great to see! Then during the performances, the dances were not reserved just for the dancers. People who wanted to hop in and participate would do just that. At one point, almost half of the audience had gotten up to partake in one of the dances. Foreigners, especially, are pushed to participate. The people here are so proud of their culture that they want to share it with everyone and make everyone feel included. Dance is meant to be something that people participate in, not something that people sit and watch. A couple of times, I had students coming out of their dance to come and pull me in to participate with them. Now, I don't really like dancing, especially in front of people, but being a part of those dances has made this place feel more like home. It is moments like these with the students and the children that I have come to realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. 

Here are some pictures of the event. Unfortunately I do not have any pictures of me dancing, since I was the one that was holding the camera and taking pictures: 

The entrance to Don Bosco Senior Secondary School

Fr. Jacob, the Director of the School and Rector of the SDB community

Senior 1 - Acholi Dance

                                        

Senior 2 - Dinka Dance

 

Senior 3 - Latuka Dance

"Finding Christ in the Face of a Child"

Even if I have never met them before I look down and see a look of love.

The motto for the Salesian Lay Missioners is, “Finding Christ in the Face of a Child.” I really didn’t think much of this motto as I was getting ready to leave for South Sudan. In fact, I have never really been a big fan of children. I’ve just never really known what to do with them. I never really knew how to play or interact with them until I started dating Ashley (a person who absolutely loves children). Actually, growing up, I would avoid children like the plague and always hang out with the older guys. Knowing this, I am pleasantly surprised that this is the topic I chose to reflect on in my first month in Gumbo. 

In the gospels, we hear Jesus claim, multiple times, that children have a special place in the kingdom of heaven, or that we should be like children in order to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. In Mark, Jesus says, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it" (Mark 10:15). Then, in Matthew, we also hear Jesus proclaim, “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3). I never really understood the hype about the children. Why are they so special? Why does the kingdom of God belong to them and not the poor or the humble? I have seen some pretty spoiled and bratty children, does God mean them? Why? How? How is it that we have to be like children to enter the kingdom of heaven? None of this really made sense to me until a couple weeks into my mission. 

Just like the children have here, we must embody and live out Christ’s love

When I first got here, I felt a little lost. There were so many new people and new faces, but they were not as welcoming as I expected them to be. Later I realized how many volunteers come through here that maybe the people were hesitant to get to know or remember another one only to have them leave in a couple of days or weeks or months. However, this was not how the children acted towards me.

For example, everyday after oratory (youth center) we have rosary in front of the church, which is a 2-minute walk from the fields. Since I am in charge of oratory, I have to collect all the balls and put them back into the storage shed, so I am always slightly late and always trying to round up the children who are still playing. Every time, one or two of the little children run up to me from behind and hold my hand and we walk together to church hand in hand. Even if I have never met them before (or don’t remember meeting them) I look down and see a look of love. Even though I was new, they still trusted in me and sought me to hold their hands on the way to church.

After the rosary, as everyone is heading home, I try to play with the children a little bit. I like to run around and chase them and try to catch them. Their laughter and their smiles are contagious. Without fail, there are always a couple of kids who run up to me with their hands up yelling “Arf ana! Arf ana!” which means, “Carry me! Carry me!” in Arabic. So I pick them up and throw them up into the air (and then catch them of course). Then more kids inevitably want to be thrown up into the air, so I play with them until I have to force them to go home because it is getting dark. 

“I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3)

Even more, every time we leave the compound and pass by the neighborhood where people live, there are always kids playing outside. Once they see us, they will stop what they are doing to wave at us and say hello with huge smiles on their faces. Sometimes they may even go out of their way to run towards the car and make sure that we see them and wave. So even when we are not playing and I am just seeing them from the car, they can still show me how much I am loved for just being me and being present to them.

I know that when I have a bad day or when I am really frustrated with school, I can always go to oratory and to rosary and know that the children will put a smile on my face. I know that the children will make all my frustrations disappear from my mind. It is with the children that I feel most loved. It is these interactions that make all the frustrations and struggles worth it. I have never found it so easy to see Christ and Christ’s love.

So what is Christ calling us to when he says that we must be like little children to enter into the kingdom of God? He is calling us to love without condition. He is calling us to hold the hand of the stranger. He is calling us to walk with the lost and ensure that they feel welcomed and loved wherever they are. He is calling us to play, to laugh, to be joyful and happy, because that laughter and joy is contagious to everyone around. He is calling us to run into His arms and let Him throw us up in the air and trust that He will catch us when we fall back down.

"Arf ana! Arf ana!"

Just like the children have here, we must embody and live out Christ’s love. It is not enough to just receive the love of God, but we must share it with everyone whom we encounter. I am still a foreigner here; I am just another volunteer who has come and who will leave, yet these children still welcome me and love me regardless of all of this. In the same way, we are called to be God’s love to everyone we encounter. I have learned that it does not matter whether it is another volunteer in a string of many, a stranger that we walk by on the sidewalk, a homeless person who is dirty and sits begging for money, a friend or family member, it is our responsibility to make sure they feel God’s love. It could be acknowledging them with a short “good morning” and a smile, or even having a short conversation with them. It could be the only positive conversation they have all day! It could be the only sign that someone realizes they exist. We never know what is going on in a person’s life, just like the children do not know what is going on my mind and the frustrating day that I may have just had, but a simple smile or running up to hold my hand, or just wanting me to chase them and throw them up in the air can instantly brighten my day. 

In Danielle Rose’s song “Be God’s,” the chorus says, “Let your life change the world, one person at a time.  Let your life be the presence of our Lord, Jesus Christ.” We are called to change the world by the way we live our lives. We are called to be Christ’s love and presence to everyone we meet. We must be like these little children in our interactions with everyone who we encounter. It is only when we learn to act like a child that the kingdom of God may come to fruition here on earth. 

We must be like these little children in our interactions with everyone who we encounter.

He is calling us to run into His arms and let Him throw us up in the air and trust that He will catch us when we fall back down.

Two best friends posing for a picture

Two Girls doing a dance at the Feast of St. Vincent de Paul celebration. St. Vincent de Paul is our parish

A popular pose among the boys that I tried to imitate

Children from the Internally Displaced Peoples (IDP) Camp

Two siblings posing for a picture

Their laughter and their smiles are contagious.

So many wonderful children!

Beautiful girls who are filled with God's love and show me every single day

Four of the girls who had been watching us play volleyball.

Never a bad time or place for a selfie 

Two girls who kept on asking me to carry them

It is only when we learn to act like a child that the kingdom of God may come to fruition here on earth.