Love Without Reservation

Now, I have been here in South Sudan for just about 3 months now and to be honest it has been a real challenge. It is not necessarily the hardest thing I've ever done, but it is hard in ways that I am not used to nor expected. I have been challenged mentally and physically many times before, but this is really the first time where I have really been challenged emotionally. I have had many great days where I think about staying here longer, but it have had many frustrating and hard days where I count down the days until I get to leave. Lately, as we are in the last week of school and in final exams (the school year here starts in February and ends in December) I have been frustrated and tired of the kids that I teach. I have been here for only 3 months and I am already tired of these kids! What is wrong with me? 

There have been many days where I just feel like a failure. There have been many days when I feel like peace will never be achieved here and that nothing that I do will even begin to change that. The kids don't listen to me, the community doesn't listen to me, and most of the time the kids don't even respect me. The other day I had a 10 minute argument with one of my students (who is older than I am) because he was absolutely convinced that 0 - 4 = 0. My math class averaged a 12 out of 30 on their final exam after I literally gave them questions straight from the review I did with them where I gave them the answers and told them 5 times how these questions were going to be on the exam. The frustrations and the failures go on and on and I could speak for days on the problems that face South Sudan, the least of which are resources. This kind of thinking has really taken over my mind for the past couple of weeks. I come to my room after working for 13 hours everyday and feel exhausted and angry and questioning why I am even here. I feel like going to oratory where all I have to do is play with kids is becoming much more of a chore rather than something that I am excited for. I am not proud of this, but the thought of, “These people do not deserve my love, my time or my effort. They just take advantage of it and abuse it” has come up multiple times.

Then I saw my friend, Jason Kippenbrock's status with a Thomas Merton quote saying, "Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody’s business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.” That was something that I really needed to hear. "Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worth." During SLM orientation we were constantly reminded to think of our purpose. They said that it was so important to realize why we are on mission because there will be very challenging times on mission where we need to remember why we are doing what we are doing. My purpose was to be present with the people and to love them and be God's love to them and to give until I could not give anymore. As you could probably tell, this has been a lot harder for me to do than I initially expected. I have thought to myself, "Are these people worth the effort I put in? Are they worthy of my love?" We can then ask, "Is anyone worthy of love, especially God's love?" You could argue for or against this, but it doesn’t matter because regardless of whether or not we are worthy of love, God still loves us. Even when we beat him to a pulp, disrespect him out the wahzoo, and make him suffer one of the most gruesome deaths, he still does not fail to love us and give us all that he had. When Christ was on that cross, as the soldiers cast lots for his clothes, He did not say, “These are terrible people. They all suck and can go to hell.” Instead, He said, “Forgive them Father, for they do not know what they are doing.” Even as His own creation put Him to death, He still loved. We, of course, are not Christ, but we are still called to love like him. This means that we are called to love without limits. We cannot ask ourselves whether or not someone is worthy of love, we just have to love. I need to love these people without judgment. I need to give every ounce that I have to these people whether or not I think they are worthy of it. I need to remember that my job here is to love and to give fully of myself to everyone, and not just to the people who I like or who I can stand to be with, even if it means getting abused and disrespected. It is not my responsibility to judge whether or not people are using my love or presence correctly. God's love led to his suffering on the cross, but he never ceases to love us. Through sin and death and betrayal, God still gave us everything he had and more. God never said that we must love, but only if the people love us back. He never told us to love, only if they don’t take advantage of that love. He never told us to give, but only if that person uses it for good, and not drugs or alcohol. God calls us to love. God calls us to give. Period. End of story. There are no pre-requisites to this love. It does not matter what the receiver of our love does with it. That is not our responsibility.  His call for us is much simpler. God calls us simply to love.

Cultural Day

Recently, the Don Bosco Senior Secondary School, the school that I teach at, held its annual cultural day. Each class was assigned a different tribal dance to perform. Although the dances are very simple (even I could do them), we took around 3 weeks to prepare and practice. During that time, I saw how proud they are of their culture and how much they love to dance. However, they are not exclusive about their culture. Because each class was assigned a dance, students from different tribes got to learn the dance of a tribe that may not be their own. The students did not seem to have any reluctance or hesitation to do an unfamiliar dance. Not only did they welcome people who were not in their particular tribe, but everyday they pushed me to try the dances and to be a part of it with them. It is in moments like that that I really felt a sense of belonging and inclusion. These dances are not meant to be just a performance done by a few, but for everyone to join in and be included. 

Then during the Cultural Day, everyone got dressed up and brought props to make the dances as authentic as possible. I just saw how proud they are and how passionate they are about this event and their dance / culture. I could just imagine this happening at my high school and most of the students complaining through it all, not wanting to dance. I remember in 8th grade PE we used to hate it when our teacher made us do line dancing. These people absolutely loved it though and really really got into it! It was so great to see! Then during the performances, the dances were not reserved just for the dancers. People who wanted to hop in and participate would do just that. At one point, almost half of the audience had gotten up to partake in one of the dances. Foreigners, especially, are pushed to participate. The people here are so proud of their culture that they want to share it with everyone and make everyone feel included. Dance is meant to be something that people participate in, not something that people sit and watch. A couple of times, I had students coming out of their dance to come and pull me in to participate with them. Now, I don't really like dancing, especially in front of people, but being a part of those dances has made this place feel more like home. It is moments like these with the students and the children that I have come to realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. 

Here are some pictures of the event. Unfortunately I do not have any pictures of me dancing, since I was the one that was holding the camera and taking pictures: 

The entrance to Don Bosco Senior Secondary School

Fr. Jacob, the Director of the School and Rector of the SDB community

Senior 1 - Acholi Dance

                                        

Senior 2 - Dinka Dance

 

Senior 3 - Latuka Dance

"Finding Christ in the Face of a Child"

Even if I have never met them before I look down and see a look of love.

The motto for the Salesian Lay Missioners is, “Finding Christ in the Face of a Child.” I really didn’t think much of this motto as I was getting ready to leave for South Sudan. In fact, I have never really been a big fan of children. I’ve just never really known what to do with them. I never really knew how to play or interact with them until I started dating Ashley (a person who absolutely loves children). Actually, growing up, I would avoid children like the plague and always hang out with the older guys. Knowing this, I am pleasantly surprised that this is the topic I chose to reflect on in my first month in Gumbo. 

In the gospels, we hear Jesus claim, multiple times, that children have a special place in the kingdom of heaven, or that we should be like children in order to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. In Mark, Jesus says, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it" (Mark 10:15). Then, in Matthew, we also hear Jesus proclaim, “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3). I never really understood the hype about the children. Why are they so special? Why does the kingdom of God belong to them and not the poor or the humble? I have seen some pretty spoiled and bratty children, does God mean them? Why? How? How is it that we have to be like children to enter the kingdom of heaven? None of this really made sense to me until a couple weeks into my mission. 

Just like the children have here, we must embody and live out Christ’s love

When I first got here, I felt a little lost. There were so many new people and new faces, but they were not as welcoming as I expected them to be. Later I realized how many volunteers come through here that maybe the people were hesitant to get to know or remember another one only to have them leave in a couple of days or weeks or months. However, this was not how the children acted towards me.

For example, everyday after oratory (youth center) we have rosary in front of the church, which is a 2-minute walk from the fields. Since I am in charge of oratory, I have to collect all the balls and put them back into the storage shed, so I am always slightly late and always trying to round up the children who are still playing. Every time, one or two of the little children run up to me from behind and hold my hand and we walk together to church hand in hand. Even if I have never met them before (or don’t remember meeting them) I look down and see a look of love. Even though I was new, they still trusted in me and sought me to hold their hands on the way to church.

After the rosary, as everyone is heading home, I try to play with the children a little bit. I like to run around and chase them and try to catch them. Their laughter and their smiles are contagious. Without fail, there are always a couple of kids who run up to me with their hands up yelling “Arf ana! Arf ana!” which means, “Carry me! Carry me!” in Arabic. So I pick them up and throw them up into the air (and then catch them of course). Then more kids inevitably want to be thrown up into the air, so I play with them until I have to force them to go home because it is getting dark. 

“I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3)

Even more, every time we leave the compound and pass by the neighborhood where people live, there are always kids playing outside. Once they see us, they will stop what they are doing to wave at us and say hello with huge smiles on their faces. Sometimes they may even go out of their way to run towards the car and make sure that we see them and wave. So even when we are not playing and I am just seeing them from the car, they can still show me how much I am loved for just being me and being present to them.

I know that when I have a bad day or when I am really frustrated with school, I can always go to oratory and to rosary and know that the children will put a smile on my face. I know that the children will make all my frustrations disappear from my mind. It is with the children that I feel most loved. It is these interactions that make all the frustrations and struggles worth it. I have never found it so easy to see Christ and Christ’s love.

So what is Christ calling us to when he says that we must be like little children to enter into the kingdom of God? He is calling us to love without condition. He is calling us to hold the hand of the stranger. He is calling us to walk with the lost and ensure that they feel welcomed and loved wherever they are. He is calling us to play, to laugh, to be joyful and happy, because that laughter and joy is contagious to everyone around. He is calling us to run into His arms and let Him throw us up in the air and trust that He will catch us when we fall back down.

"Arf ana! Arf ana!"

Just like the children have here, we must embody and live out Christ’s love. It is not enough to just receive the love of God, but we must share it with everyone whom we encounter. I am still a foreigner here; I am just another volunteer who has come and who will leave, yet these children still welcome me and love me regardless of all of this. In the same way, we are called to be God’s love to everyone we encounter. I have learned that it does not matter whether it is another volunteer in a string of many, a stranger that we walk by on the sidewalk, a homeless person who is dirty and sits begging for money, a friend or family member, it is our responsibility to make sure they feel God’s love. It could be acknowledging them with a short “good morning” and a smile, or even having a short conversation with them. It could be the only positive conversation they have all day! It could be the only sign that someone realizes they exist. We never know what is going on in a person’s life, just like the children do not know what is going on my mind and the frustrating day that I may have just had, but a simple smile or running up to hold my hand, or just wanting me to chase them and throw them up in the air can instantly brighten my day. 

In Danielle Rose’s song “Be God’s,” the chorus says, “Let your life change the world, one person at a time.  Let your life be the presence of our Lord, Jesus Christ.” We are called to change the world by the way we live our lives. We are called to be Christ’s love and presence to everyone we meet. We must be like these little children in our interactions with everyone who we encounter. It is only when we learn to act like a child that the kingdom of God may come to fruition here on earth. 

We must be like these little children in our interactions with everyone who we encounter.

He is calling us to run into His arms and let Him throw us up in the air and trust that He will catch us when we fall back down.

Two best friends posing for a picture

Two Girls doing a dance at the Feast of St. Vincent de Paul celebration. St. Vincent de Paul is our parish

A popular pose among the boys that I tried to imitate

Children from the Internally Displaced Peoples (IDP) Camp

Two siblings posing for a picture

Their laughter and their smiles are contagious.

So many wonderful children!

Beautiful girls who are filled with God's love and show me every single day

Four of the girls who had been watching us play volleyball.

Never a bad time or place for a selfie 

Two girls who kept on asking me to carry them

It is only when we learn to act like a child that the kingdom of God may come to fruition here on earth. 

Introduction

So I have been here in South Sudan for a little over two weeks and it has mostly been a whirlwind of meeting new people, having to memorize their names, figuring out where to be and when every single day, trying to understand their English and learn a little bit of Arabic. Thus far, this is what my every day schedule looks like:

7:00 - 7:30: Morning Mass

7:30 - 8:00: Breakfast

8:00 - 3:30: Secondary School

5:00 - 6:30: Oratory/Youth Center

6:30 - 7:00: Rosary

7:30 - 8:00: Evening Prayer

8:00 - 9:00: Dinner

I am primarily working at the secondary school, which is the same as high school in America. However, the students here range anywhere from 15 to 25 years old. They are all children who have been greatly affected by the war that has been going on in Sudan for years now. Many of them were born during the war and only know that war kind of mentality since the country has rarely been in peace during their lives. For many, either one or both of their parents died in the war. Still, they come to school and having that willingness to learn. A lot of what I have been doing is administrative work at the school, which was not was I had originally had in mind when I came here. I only teach a couple of math and chemistry classes a week but hopefully that workload will increase as time goes on here. 

I am also responsible for the youth center. A large part of the Salesian charism is the oratory. Essentially, it is a place where kids and come and play and just be kids. On the compound, there is a soccer field, volleyball court and basketball courts, so every single day, I take out the balls for all the respective sports and just play with the kids that come. 

It has been a challenge figuring everything out, and I am still in that process, but I feel like very soon I can be completely comfortable here. The people here are so welcoming and open. They are some of the nicest people I have ever met and are willing to give anything for us, even if they do not have much to begin with. It is a beautiful thing that I have realized here and something that will help make this place home faster. 

Off to South Sudan

Tonight, I will be leaving to Juba, South Sudan for a year (or so) as a part of the Salesian Lay Missioners (SLMs). During Orientation in New York, I got the chance to meet the 19 other missioners that will be traveling around the globe to places that include Asia, Bolivia, Brazil, Cambodia, Florida, and South Sudan. I am so excited and grateful for this opportunity to go on mission and be with the people of South Sudan. Although I do not know what my specific duties are yet, I know that I will be working and teaching at a secondary school, working in the oratory in the evenings, and whatever else they ask of me. But before I leave, I wanted to share a few thoughts that I have:

1. I have chosen to stick with the blog address “We are called to serve.” This is because this call of service is one that each and every one of us is called to. Just because I am going on mission to South Sudan does not mean that I am answering this call more than anyone else. I am just answering God’s call for me, and that call just happens to be in South Sudan. To all those who cannot understand why I am going to South Sudan or think that going there means that my heart is bigger, or that I am willing to answer God’s call more than you, I want to say that it is simply not true. My call is no greater than your call since we are all called by the same God. Choosing how to serve in your own life within your own means, whether that means serving your family or serving the parish, or serving the mentally disabled or the elderly, or teaching kids, or whatever that call for you personally is, is the same call that I have heard. Just because God is calling me to go half way around the world does not make this call any more significant. Just like some of you could never imagine yourselves doing what I will be doing, I cannot imagine doing some of the things that you do to serve either. It is the same call from the same God to do different things, and this call is expressed through our passions. The quote I always like to use by Fredrick Buechner says, “Vocation is where our greatest passion meets the greatest need of the world.” The world is always in need, but it is through our passions that we hear how God is calling us to serve. Just as the ND Vision program challenges high school students, I want to challenge you: “God is calling. How will you answer?”

2. Let me begin by telling the Star Fish Story that some of you may have already heard: A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, and throw it back into the ocean. People watched her with amusement.She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, “Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can’t save all these starfish. You can’t begin to make a difference!”The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated. But after a few moments, she bent down, picked up another starfish, and hurled it as far as she could into the ocean. Then she looked up at the man and replied, “Well, I made a difference to that one!”

Realistically, one year is too short of a time to do anything or to make any real difference. Even a lifetime may not be enough to make a dent into the poverty that exists in all the places where the SLMs serve. It would be impossible for us to save all the starfish. However, this is not what I (or the SLMs) are called to do. We may be there to teach or to work at the church or lead retreats or work in the orphanages, but our real ministry is that of love and presence. It is our ministry to take every person and to love them. We are called to be present and love everyone who we encounter. God is already present in all the places where we serve; it is our job to express His love to the people we serve. I may only encounter a handful of starfish, but I want to ensure that I have shared God’s love with them. My ministry in South Sudan is to make sure that everyone that I encounter knows that they are loved. 

3. Something that I learned while I was in Indonesia is that there are many different types of wealth. Living in America it is so easy to associate that word “wealth” to money or material possessions. Often when we think of countries that are “poor,” we think of places where people do not have much. Their houses are run down and they don’t have many of the luxuries that we live with. However, with this kind of poverty comes a wealth of joy. It was something that I experienced in Indonesia and am excited to look for in South Sudan. I have found that the people whom we consider to be poor, I consider to be rich with something that I rarely find in America. Although their lives are difficult, I found that they were more joyful and happy than anyone in America. Because there is not much money, that is not their primary concern. Although money is important, the people I encountered in Indonesia valued personal relationship much higher. Even though they had no money, they still gave me all that they had. Although they led difficult lives, they did it with such joy and happiness that is lacking in America. This is what I am looking forward to experiencing again. 

I have been discerning doing something like this for a couple of years now and am so excited that it is finally here. All I ask is for you to keep me in your prayers.

Beach Picnic with the Kitchen Crew

Sorry for the lack of captions.... Internet is very slow here and I cannot see the pictures on my screen to be able to post captions.

We started the fire with coconuts and made pisang bakar (bbq banana), ikan bakar (bbq fish) (fresh, right out of the ocean), cassava leaves, and rice sticks (which is pretty much rice wrapped in some leaves, very good for rice to-go).